the moment

Today I didn’t worry.

I mean, yes, I bought a sweater in recognition of the newly-discovered fact that I will move to Syracuse in a couple of months. I speculated and even felt a twinge of fear in anticipation of adding 365 days north of the Mason-Dixon line to my current total of 21. But I didn’t worry, I didn’t turn the future over and over in my mind as if I could tumble it smooth as a river rock and somehow find peace that way.

Instead I drove through mountains, ate and ate, rejoiced at seeing my brother and another out-of-town friend. The feverish inner monologue of the past several weeks, outlining hopes and fears and contingency plans, gave way to a quiet song even as summer finds its stride and we remember the meaning of “swelter”.

There’s something a little bit settled now and even though there are gaping questions and massive preparations, I remembered an old, old improv lesson today. This moment is all we have and all that’s worth our attention. The only control we have over the future consists in doing our best right now, and grasping at power beyond that is not only foolish but ruins, absolutely ruins the present.

It’s a skill and a habit, living in the moment, and I still haven’t learned to teach it or communicate it, leastwise to myself. But this is one of the very, very precious few fundamentally true things I know, even when I can’t find my way back to living it:

tomorrow will worry about itself.

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