Lyndsey tells a Bible story

This is far and away my favorite little-known Bible story, retold by me.

The Israelites were being oppressed by this heathen king on account of their own stupidity. But this went on for a long time and they asked God to deliver them from the king “because he had nine hundred chariots fitted with iron”. And God, being God, had compassion on them.

This woman Deborah was the political leader of Israel [the Bible doesn’t really say why so I wish people would stop making up the story that it’s because the men were so bad] and she was also a prophet. So God told her to tell the leader of the army, Barak (no relation) that he would help their nation fight the heathen king. But Barak is all, “Only if you go with me Debbie,” and Deborah is like *sigh* “OK Barak.” They take ten thousand men and move towards battle. Sisera, the captain of the mean king’s army, takes his men and nine hundred chariots to meet them.

God, being God, keeps his promise and helps the Israelites (sans chariots) beat the bad guys. Sisera, being a coward, “gets down from his chariot” and runs away. Barak “pursues the chariots and army” [are the chariots autonomous?] and kills them all. But Sisera is still running.

He meets this woman Jael, the wife of an ally, outside her tent, and she goes, “Come, my Lord. Come right in. Don’t be afraid. Also, here’s a nice blanket.” [To warm you up after your run?] Sisera asks for water and she gives him some milk; apparently empathy is not her strong suit but that is about to be very very clear. Sisera, being a demanding coward, tells her to keep watch and goes to sleep. Jael, however, knows what’s good for her and her family so she’s on the Israelites’ side, the only problem being women weren’t allowed to have weapons. But that’s not going to get Jael down, not while she still has her common household implements; she goes over to sleeping Sisera with a tent peg and stakes him to the ground through his temple.

“And he died”. Just to clarify.

So then Barak comes by and he’s all, “Which way did he go?”, and Jael doesn’t say, “I killed him, SUCKA!” She calmly says, “Come, I will show you the man you are looking for [you incompetent boob].” In my imagination, Barak pulls his sword as he walks into the tent, all ready for the heroic final shot. “And there lay Sisera with the tent peg through his temple – dead.”

(dead?!)

Then Barak and Deborah sing a song together in which they call Jael “most blessed among tent-dwelling women”, which is either a highly backhanded compliment or a clever twist on the Hail Mary. And then I seriously consider naming my possible future daughter after her, because she didn’t really worry about what she “could” or “couldn’t” do; she just got the job [of assassination] done. Like a tent-dwelling boss.

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3 Comments

  1. Jacqueline in Atlanta

     /  August 7, 2012

    And they don’t think women are fit to serve in the military??

    Reply
  2. “Like a tent-dwelling boss”! Hahaha–I love it. And I just read it out loud to my study buddy, Other Anna, and she wanted me to tell you that she thought it was terrific 🙂 Her actual words were, “Wow–I love her voice!”

    Reply

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