stuffing stuff into boxes with other stuff

All the little disciplines that got me through the summer have vanished. Writing, playing guitar, exercising – in these last few weeks before moving I am doing them haphazardly, when the impulse strikes. Before, they gave me some purpose and structure, but lately I have lost momentum, urgency, probably because I have a truly urgent to-do list.

The massive list of tasks that precedes a move – I let it all pile up til now. And the fact is, I like things this way. This mound of work is just like moving a large pile of rocks; you don’t sit and wonder how it will get done, even if you aren’t sure that it can. You just take one thing at a time, and only look at that thing til you move on to the next. The enormity of the task keeps you going and going, but you can’t focus on that. You focus on moving one rock at a time.

If I didn’t have to put on music and go go go go, picking up literally every item I own and deciding to bring, store, or trash it, if I didn’t still have things to buy and projects to wrap up and application essays to write, I’d just be sitting here wondering and worrying. I’d play out imaginary scenes with my total-stranger-roommates. I’d try to come up with ways to impress my future coworkers. I’d plan out an outfit and a backup outfit for every day of the first week I’m there. I’d research Syracuse obsessively because knowledge feels like control to me.

There is a rhythm to this work, upstairs, downstairs, item after item into the “donate” bag, repair a jacket, surely I can stuff one more thing in this box. Literally hundreds of the smallest problems to be solved and decisions to be made. This is all that it is within my power to do. And it is enough for now. Tomorrow will worry about itself.


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